A thought I’ve been kicking around recently is that increasing self-compassion may increase grittiness. I’ll define both before I talk about how one supports the other.
Grit is a predictor of success. It may or may not be related to IQ. It is synonymous with willpower in some thesauri. Though nuanced from it in my world. Adam Smith differentiates grit and willpower well in his post Grit > Self Control > IQ; in short, will-power is related to self-control, and grit is a subset of that- the ability to do hard work and stick-to-it toward the same goal over time.
This article Will and Suffering (it is short, read the whole thing) by Mark Twight, is what started me down this line of thinking, that maybe self-compassion increases grit. The author is undoubtedly gritty, a successful alpine climber. And he talks about how to get that way:
Climb on local crags in weather conditions far worse than any you would intentionally confront in the high mountains. Austrian climber Herman Buhl carried snowballs in his hands to develop his tolerance (psychological) and increase capillarization (physical). He climbed on his local crags all winter long, even in storm conditions, and rode his bike for hundreds of kilometers on the way to the mountains for training. It paid off, of course, when he climbed alone to the summit of Nanga Parbat.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go outside when it’s raining, much less carry snowballs or climb snowy alpines. Those aren’t my goals. But as the author states, you can extrapolate his process to your goals. Desensitizing yourself to difficult situations that are safer yet similar and as uncomfortable as your eventual goal.
So why does this article make me think of compassion? Isn’t that for soft, hippie-doormats? Well, not exactly.
There is the misconception that compassion makes you soft. Makes you give in, means you are too nice. That kind of compassion is called “idiot compassion”, and isn’t compassionate at all.
A good example of “idiot compassion” is your friend the drug addict comes to you and is complaining about being in withdrawal and needing another fix. You can see that they are really hurting. They ask to borrow money to get their car fixed. You give it to them, knowing the money isn’t going to the car. That is not the kind, nor compassionate thing to do, for you or them. To not give in is compassionate, and they will not thank you for it. Pema Chodron’s article on Idiot Compassion explains it well:
Idiot compassion is a great expression, which was actually coined by Trungpa Rinpoche. It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s whats called enabling. It’s the general tendency to give people what they want because you can’t bear to see them suffering. Basically, you’re not giving them what they need. You’re trying to get away from your feeling of I can’t bear to see them suffering. In other words, you’re doing it for yourself. You’re not really doing it for them.
What is compassion? In it’s simplest form, it is simply to non-judgmentally notice suffering. Add another layer, it is to notice suffering and want to alleviate it. In other models, it means to suffer with. It does not mean “let off the hook.”
So how does that work with self-compassion? Researcher Kristin Neff has given a lot of thought (and research) to her definition. She is very clear about what self-compassion is not, it is not self-pity, it is not self-indulgence and it is not getting wrapped up in your own emotional drama. She says there are 3 components to self-compassion, I’m excerpting brief quotes here:
- self-kindness: Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.
- common humanity: Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
- mindfulness: Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.
The way the story is told, it suggests all three of these traits are in Mark Twight’s article on alpine climbing. Although I doubt he would use the word compassion.
“The great climber recognizes when he’s having a bad day and admits it to his partner, then he relinquishes leads where he might slow the team and follows as fast as he can.”
- Mindfulness is demonstrated in this passage in that he is observing the situation and the way his body feels as it is without trying to suppress or deny it, shares it with his partner, and keeps going to the best of his ability.
- Self-kindness in the above passage is inferred because, rather than getting angry at himself for not being able to lead at his preferred level, he acknowledges what is happening and eases up on himself without giving up. In the next passage he is being relentlessly kind to himself by practicing being in difficult and painful situation (desensitization) in a relatively safer environment, as well as there is a distinct lack of oneself self-criticism.
The mind and body adapt to both comfort and deprivation. The difficult experiences of mountaineering may appear irrational and risky from the comfort of the armchair, but learning to deal with them is essential . . .
. . . it was a little thing compared to the suffering experienced intentionally.
- Common humanity, great, real time example “When they stopped for the night at the Brittle Ledges, they discovered their sleeping bags had been drenched as well, Michael asked, ‘What are we going to do now?’ Scott replied, ‘We’re going to suffer.’ And they did.”
One other interesting tid-bit of information is that at least one study has shown that self-compassion increases a person’s ability to be accountable and open to feedback as compared with those that use guilt and shame as motivators.
My personal experience has been that practicing self-compassion increases my ability to *try* something difficult, increases my ability to tolerate failure enough to get back up again, and frees up cognitive processing because I’m not busy also berating myself. Twight says “Learn to suffer.” I say, learn to be with yourself in suffering.
To me, it seems like self-compassion does increase grit. If grit is your ability to persevere on a goal over time, self compassion is a tool that will get you there.
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